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This will date me, but I remember when alternative newspapers didn't have decency standards.Less than 1% of married couples met via personal ads (see "Where Couples Met," page 90).Only 2% of short-term sexual relationships started with a personal ad.

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But I spoke with others who were excited by the idea of an app that pushes men to, as one woman put it, finally "swipe with intention."So if it's an all-you-can-lay buffet you're looking for, keep Tinder on your home screen.

But if—bless your heart—you're holding out for The One?

Books like Aziz Ansari's wrestled with our hookup-happy culture's "paradox of choice." Stock prices wavered. According to the doomsayers, men are swiping right with abandon, "ghosting," and dodging commitment. "Men have been taught to peacock and get our attention, especially in online communities that create this sense of urgency and aggression," says a representative from Bumble, a spin-off from one of Tinder's cofounders that nixes creepy pickup lines by letting women make the first move.

(Millennial-to-English translation: They're coming on to too many women, disappearing after two dates, and generally behaving like they have a whole sea of fish waiting in their pocket—which, of course, they do.) So who can save singles from the calamity the tech bros have wrought? (Bumble has introduced a watermark feature to its photo-sharing function, in the hope that plastering users' names across every snapshot will give them pause before they send that unsolicited dick pic.) Apps like Hinge—which makes matches via mutual friends—and Tinder also launched campaigns to rebrand themselves as relationship-focused services rather than friction-free hookup tools.

Write out a conversation about yourself that fascinates this person. If you can't imagine a meaningful response, take out the sentence. I then added "with junk cars in the yard." Run your ad through your word processor's spelling checker.

Now condense your responses into two or three sentences. Then run it through a grammar checker (in Microsoft Word, the grammar checker is under "Tools").In small cities, especially in the southeast, emphasize emotions and hobbies.One of my hobbies is reading personal ads from incarcerated women, and then looking up their rap sheets on the World Wide Web.A polished, professional-sounding ad makes you look thirty IQ points smarter.If you're in a big city, especially in the north or west, describe your looks and your money in your personal ad.MAKE AMERICA LOVE AGAIN," the ad blared through my news feed over black-and-white photographs of pre-Pill couples courting at the sock hop.