In these cases, long distance is just compounding serious challenges that would have been present in the relationship anyway.
When this happens in a LDR, however, the distance can even make you stay in the relationship longer than you would have otherwise.
Initially I just put these sorts of comments down to the difference in our cultures, us never having met, etc.
And in the spirit of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I agreed for him to come and visit me in England. We visited a great restaurant in London with fantastic views over the Thames. When you’re in the exciting early stages of a new relationship it can be really hard to see these warning signs for what they are—serious issues with insecurity and controlling behavior.
Then a male colleague (and friend) texted me one evening during that visit holidays. I work in the male-dominated field of law enforcement, and I had learned some lessons the hard way during the marriage that had just ended. I tried talking about our cultural differences in this area, and how I had had male friends and male colleagues my entire life.
The questions from John followed quickly: Who was he? Both of these experiences have taught me the value of being open and forthright so I didn’t let these red flags slide. I told him he was coming across as insecure and controlling, and that I didn’t like it. I told him the thing he was so afraid of (being hurt and losing me) was the very thing that was happening, due to his smothering behavior.
I live in London, but I met John (not his real name) online last year after being separated from my husband for 9 months.
John lived in the USA, and he and I seemed to click straight away.
I was looking around and enjoying the view, people watching, when he became withdrawn and quiet. It’s easy tell yourself that he’s just acting a little over the top because he cares so much.
He later said that he’d noticed I was watching a male waiter walk around the restaurant. The fact that John was acting jealous and insecure seems obvious now as I write this down, but it was less obvious then. Over time, though, these red flags became empty promises. He backed off for a couple of days, but within a week or two we were right back to the same old patterns. I tried conveying every way possible of my feelings for him—which were still strong.
He claimed to have realized where he was going wrong.
He said that he’d had an epiphany, that “a cloud had been lifted,” and he was now seeing things clearly.
Looking back after it ended I saw the red flags more clearly, and I saw how early they had appeared—earlier than I had realized at the time.